The Real Reason You Struggle with Self-Love (It’s Not What You Think)
If you’ve ever felt like self-love just doesn’t come naturally to you, you’re not alone.
Many women assume they struggle with self-love because they’re too hard on themselves, too busy, or simply “not there yet.” So they try to fix it by doing more: more affirmations, more routines, more self-care rituals.
In my years of coaching, I've come to understand this: Your struggle with self-love isn’t because you don’t know how to love yourself. It’s because you were taught to disconnect from yourself.
Self-Love Isn’t Missing, It Was Conditioned Out of You
From an early age, many women learn that being lovable means being agreeable, helpful, and low-maintenance. We’re praised for being selfless, for not asking for too much, and for putting others first.
Over time, this teaches us something subtle but powerful:
Your needs matter less.
Your feelings are negotiable.
Your worth is tied to how useful or accommodating you are.
So when self-love feels hard as an adult, it’s not because something is wrong with you. It’s because you learned to override your own needs in order to feel accepted, safe, or valued.
Why “Just Be Kinder to Yourself” Doesn’t Work
This is why surface-level advice like “just think more positively” or “be nicer to yourself” often falls flat. You’re not battling negative thoughts; you’re undoing years of conditioning that taught you to:
Ignore your intuition
Push through exhaustion
Feel guilty for resting or setting boundaries
Second-guess what you want
Self-love isn’t about convincing yourself you’re worthy. It’s about rebuilding self-trust. And self-trust comes from listening to yourself, not overriding yourself.
The Real Root of the Problem: Self-Abandonment
At the core of most self-love struggles is self-abandonment.
Self-abandonment looks like:
Saying yes when your body says no
Staying quiet to avoid discomfort
Minimizing your needs to keep the peace
Pushing yourself past your limits, then criticizing yourself for burning out
When you repeatedly abandon yourself, it becomes difficult to feel love, compassion, or safety within yourself. And no amount of bubble baths can repair that.
Self-love isn’t something you add on top of self-abandonment. It’s something you practice by choosing yourself in small, consistent ways.
What Self-Love Actually Requires
Real self-love asks for honesty, not perfection.
It requires:
Listening to your body instead of ignoring it
Setting boundaries even when they feel uncomfortable
Allowing rest without guilt
Speaking up even when your voice shakes
Treating yourself with compassion when you fall short
This is why self-love feels like work sometimes. Not because it’s hard to love yourself, but because it requires unlearning patterns that once kept you safe.
You Don’t Need More Willpower, You Need Support
If self-love has felt confusing, frustrating, or out of reach, it’s not because you’re failing at it. It’s because this work was never meant to be done alone or through information alone.
That’s exactly why I created:
Her Era: The Self-Love Reset Challenge
Inside, we go deeper into:
Why self-love feels so hard for women
How to rebuild trust with yourself
How to stop abandoning yourself in everyday moments
What self-love looks like in real life, not just in theory
If you’re ready to understand why you struggle with self-love and start practicing it in a way that actually sticks, this is your next step.
Join the challenge here.
So, if no one else has told you this:
You are not broken.
You are becoming aware.
And that awareness is where self-love begins.
